


Hope Against Hope

by ascatman, autonecro



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Angst, Awkward First Times, Consensual Underage Sex, Drama, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eridan Crying, First Kiss, Healing Sex, Homophobia, Humanstuck, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Just a whole lot of Eridan crying tbh, M/M, Misgendering, More of Eridan Crying, Oral Sex, Sexual Abuse, Sibling Incest, Slurs, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Underage Sex, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 22:36:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3464591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascatman/pseuds/ascatman, https://archiveofourown.org/users/autonecro/pseuds/autonecro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes things get bad. Sometimes when things are already bad, they get worse. And sometimes the only thing you can do in a situation like that is hope against hope that things get better.</p><p>A story centering around a sad boy, his awful brother, and decision making.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Learning Experience

**Author's Note:**

> This sin against nature was created for catharsis.

There was something up with her, Cronus just knew it. His sister had been acting strange ever since she'd entered high school and it was starting to wear on his nerves. It started with her shutting herself up in the bathroom at odd hours of the night, locking the door behind herself and staying in there for more than an hour. Cronus was sure that on multiple occasions he'd heard a stray sniffle coming from the other side of the door. Then one day she’d gotten her hair cut short. While their father didn't exactly approve of it, he was far too busy to concern himself with the matter, seeing as how he was almost always gone on business. Cronus could only assume she'd done it herself.  
  
It was shit. There was definitely something up with her, and Cronus wanted to know what it was. So he checked her computer history, waiting until she was at school to browse through whatever garbage she'd been looking at. He was hoping to find some lesbian porn to confirm his suspicions-- the short hair, the secrecy, she _had_ to be a dyke-- but what he wound up discovering were multiple searches for men's clothing, ‘binding’ bullshit, voice deepening exercises, and all kinds of stuff like that.  
  
Cronus wasn't exactly stupid, but he was pretty ignorant on the matter of gender identities. As far as he was concerned, all of these signs just pointed toward his sister being completely and totally gay. That wasn't going to fly, not in this household. Their dad would probably kill her, and to be real honest, Cronus loved his little sister. If she was headed down that path, somebody needed to straighten her out, and between him and his dad, he figured he was the better man between them to do it. After settling on that, Cronus decided that the best course of action was to confront her about it. She was supposed to be getting home from school soonish anyway. He waited there for her, seated on her bed, her laptop right next to him. He'd talk to her about it as soon as she got back. There was no way he was letting Ariel fuck her life up like this.  
  
He had to do right by her as her older brother, after all.

* * *

It took her longer than expected to get home, but Cronus was willing to forgive her for that. There were more important things to be talking about. He sat up from the nap he’d nodded off into as she pushed into her room, dropping her bag on the floor before noticing her big brother sitting there on her bed.  
  
"What... the fuck are you doin' in my room?" She grit her teeth indignantly, but Cronus only stretched and rolled his shoulders like he wasn’t invading someone’s private area before he spun her laptop to face her and to show off all the tabs he’d opened. To show her everything he’d found in her history that he was totally sure proved that she was gay.  
  
"Here's the thing, sis, I know you got something to hide." He stood up, crossing his arms and taking a step toward her. "Here's what I want though. A confession, right from you. Tell me straight up and I promise I won't tell dad. But if you don't confess to me right now then I'll tell him everything. I’ll show him all this shit, and then sit back and watch while he tears you a new one for even thinking about doing something like this."  
  
Predictably, Ariel sneered, but all the venom drained out of her expression when she realized what she was looking at. She pushed her glasses up on her nose and tried to square her drooping shoulders. "You don't know anything..." she said, but it came out kind of weakly. She was scared, that much was clear. Her face flushed with discomfort, and even with as few words as Cronus had said, she looked close to tears. After pushing the door shut, she leaned against it and went to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, a leftover habit from when it had been long. Cronus thought it was cute the way she faltered when she realized what she was doing and rubbed the side of her neck instead.  
  
"I w-was goin' to tell dad myself..." she murmured, eyes cast miserably downward.  
  
"Then why haven't you told him yet? He's going to kill you, you know."  
  
She scratched or rubbed at the back of her head slowly, nervously. "I was... I was waitin' for the right time, okay?"

He stepped closer to her, not even hesitating to get right into her personal bubble. She looked about as uncomfortable as a person could be, staring sullenly straight ahead like she was seeing through him and tuning him out. "Listen, Ariel, you're fucking your life up choosing to do this shit. Lesbians are hot, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sitting by and watching my own sister go around fucking girls and looking like a dyke." He poked her in the chest rather hard as she cried out defensively that she wasn’t a lesbian and then frowned when he realized that her chest was strangely flat. That wasn't right, she usually had pretty decent sized tits. Not that Cronus was looking ever or anything, that'd be creepy. "What happened to your tits?" he asked flatly, not giving two shits if that was an inappropriate thing to ask your little sister.  
  
"It's-- nothin' happened!" She pushed at Cronus, but he didn’t retaliate just yet. He needed some answers, here.  
  
"Well where are they then?" He glared down at her chest, trying to figure out where her breasts had gone and, wait what did she just say? "What the fuck do you mean you're not a lesbian? The hell is all that stuff I found you looking at if you're not some kind of dyke?" He glanced up at her face, but soon had his gaze back on her chest. "Tell me what your deal is." She made like she was going to push him again so he grabbed her wrists, yanking her hands away so she couldn't and he held them, pinning them at her sides. She struggled to pull her arms away, face splotchy and red, but he held fast, staring down at her until she cut that shit out. Eventually, she took a breath and answered him.  
  
She mouthed something, but words hardly came out so much as a creaky noise, like her high, cute voice was breaking. "I'm a guy," she said successfully with the next breath, and her voice broke again, all squeaky and girlish and like she might cry.  
  
"No, you're not," he replied flatly. What the hell was she trying to pull? Of course she wasn't a fucking guy. "You have a cunt and tits-- well you usually have tits. I don't know what kind of bullshit anatomy class you took, but those aren't things that dudes have." He glared at Ariel, narrowing his eyes and looking her right in the face. "You're a chick, it's not that hard to understand. I've seen you naked before, sis, I know you ain't got a secret dick or something like that, so unless you magically grew one overnight you better tell me what the real secret is."  
  
Her face grew redder, and she refused to look Cronus in the eye. She pulled again weakly to try to regain his wrists, but there wasn't a lot of effort behind it. "I'm a guy," she repeated quietly. "Not every dude comes with-- comes with a fuckin' dick attached."  
  
Cronus was getting pissed now. What the fuck was her problem? Was she delusional? He released one of her wrists and that hand shot down to her crotch, grabbing her through her pants and groping the area. "This right here? Means you're a chick, sweetheart." His words were hissed out between gritted teeth, eyebrows furrowed as he kept his hand there, feeling his sister up while he moved her other hand up above her head to try to prevent her from moving down the door.  
  
"No it doesn't, Cro, stop!" Her voice went up high again and she tried at pushing Cronus with her newly freed hand. It didn’t work out. She quickly went from pushing to grabbing at the offending hand to try to tug it away from her body. The threat of tears was looking more real by the second. Cronus could see the moisture in her eyes. So this was totally a weak spot for her, perfect. He let go of her crotch just long enough to force her free hand up above her head, pinning both wrists in one hand before going ahead and shoving his hand up her shirt, lifting it to see what was up with her chest.  
  
"The fuck is this?" He yanked on the bottom of whatever the shit was she was wearing to cover up her tits. It didn’t look like a bra.  
  
Instead of answering his question, she only yelped the word, "Stop!" and then went on, "Just fuckin' stop... you don't have to grab me and shit in order to ask questions!"  
  
"I'm sick of you copping an attitude with me, you've been a little shit ever since you started high school and I'm done with it." His fingers moved along the fabric that was pulled tight against her skin beneath her shirt until he found the first of many velcro fastenings and tore it open, then repeated the motion for every strap on it until it came loose and he could yank it right off. "There we go, that's more like it." He brought his hand to one of her breasts, squeezing it as he leaned in a little closer to her face. Aw. Her glasses were fogging up.  
  
"I got an idea. How about... you and me come to some kind of agreement. Then... I can promise not to go sharing your computer history with dad."  
  
She glared at him silently, tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. She looked real mad, but she wasn’t saying a damned thing. Cronus would bet anything that she liked the idea, and was trying to save face.  
  
"I'll let you erase it all right in front of me after this, and we keep whatever we get up to between you and me." He twisted her nipple, a little harder than necessary, in an effort to force a reply out of her faster. She tried again to get her wrists loose, made an attempt to sag against the door, but he held her wrists crushingly tight. "C'mon, babe," he murmured, pressing his mouth to her neck and just letting it hover against her flesh. With his face there, he couldn’t see the way her expression crumpled. She wasn’t going to get loose, so there weren’t a whole lot of options. "I'll even pretend you're a dude starting as soon as we're done here." Cronus had forgotten any mental pep talks about being the best brother he could be, apparently, given the way his hand was still rubbing her chest and playing with her nipple as his breath ghosted across her neck, hot and heavy with the implication of his words.  
  
It took a long time for her to answer, and she sniffled wetly before she did. Her voice was thick with tears when she finally found it. "Fine,” she said, and there was an almost funny dissonance between the way her voice wavered and the casual words she spoke, ”w-whatever, just hurry up."  
  
"You got it, sis. For now you're still my little sister, tits and cunt and everything." He let go of her wrists, leaning down to press his lips to her chest, both hands pushing her shirt up as he kissed over to one of her nipples. "I think we can help each other out here. It's not like I'm losing my virginity any time soon and I know you want me to call you Steve or whatever stupid boy name you picked out..." His tongue circled her hardening nipple, lips closing around it as one of his hands moved to play with the other one before he paused just long enough to look up at her. She had her scarf in both hands, bunched up over her mouth, presumably to keep the sounds she was making quiet. "You see where I'm going with this?

"I'm... _Eridan_ " was all she said.

"Eridan, huh?" Maybe he could play this up to his advantage, make his sister start bending to his will with a little manipulation work. "My little bro, Eridan. I can work with that." He dropped down to his knees in front of her, kissing down Eridan's stomach before she covered it with her shirt. He finally stopped when his lips reached the waistline of her pants. Male name or not, Eridan was still a chick to Cronus at the end of the day. His fingers went to Eridan's pants and he quickly unfastened them, not even bothering to hesitate for a moment before yanking them right down her hips. They dragged her underpants down one of her round hips with them. Was she wearing boxers? Cronus wrinkled his nose. She couldn't see his face anyway.

"W-wait!" she cried, grabbing for her pants and undies to keep them from coming all the way off.

"Don't worry, I'll make you feel real good, Eridan," he murmured, purposely calling her by her chosen name in an effort to butter her up. He'd been wanting this for so long, not necessarily with his sister, but he was 18 years old, by all rights he should have lost his virginity when he was Eridan's age. As far as he was concerned, he was really doing her a favor here.

Her voice was hushed as she spoke. "Cro, can w-we stop? ...I can give you somethin' else, right? I can give you my allow-- my allowance for the next week. The next _month_ if you want, w-whatever."

"What's the matter, you on your period or something? I can work around it, trust me."

"No, that's not--" she started, but Cronus slapped Eridan's hand away and hooked his fingers under the waistband of her underwear, yanking them down firmly and letting them drop to the floor along with her pants while she covered herself up reflexively. "Come on, bro, give your generous older brother a little slack here. You want me to call you Eridan, don't you?" He was kissing her thigh, hands roaming over her hips and squeezing as he leaned back enough to get a little glimpse of the bigger picture. He licked his lips and glanced up at her, his thumbs rubbing circles in her flesh. "Let me fuck you and I'll call you anything you want."

Clearly he was saying just the right things, because as red as Eridan's face was, as reluctant and ready to cry as she looked, ultimately, she took her hands away from covering up the dark hair that curled over the junction between her legs. She didn't speak, but she did grip her scarf again, pressing it against her mouth and averting her eyes.

"There's a good boy," Cronus praised, pressing his thumbs against either side of her pussy and spreading it as much as he could in this position. God, he'd never seen one up close in real life, it was amazing. He leaned in, letting his tongue press right up against her clit. Porn had taught him everything he needed to know about how this worked, he thought, and he was going to make the best use of that knowledge that he knew how. Forget the fact that this was his sister, he was excited to actually get the chance to do this, to engage in his first experience with oral. It was a lucky break, really. Cronus nudged her thighs with his hands, trying to get her to spread them wider as his tongue went to work circling the little bundle of nerves. Not only did she part her legs for him, but she rocked against him the barest hint. It made a low groan rumble up and out of him. She definitely wanted this. She was even making soft, sexy little sounds through the scarf she still had pressed over her lips.

Cronus pulled back and slid his hands up her sides, pressing a kiss to her stomach before standing up and tugging on her shoulder. "C'mere." He dragged her over to the bed and nodded toward it. She stumbled on the way, all but falling out of her pants. "Get on the bed. Let me show you what a real dick looks like." He smirked, hands already dropping down to undo his belt, his already tight pants had grown to be uncomfortably tighter and he wanted to get them off as soon as possible. That and he really couldn't handle all this foreplay business, he needed to speed things along. Eridan left her shoes and socks on when she climbed up onto the bed, and drew her knees up like she had anything left to hide. She didn't look at Cronus at all either, keeping her eyes down on the princess themed comforter she'd owned for way too long.   
  
After he finally managed to shove his pants down to step out of them, Cronus climbed right onto the bed and yanked his sister's legs apart, forcing her onto her back in the process. Her breath picked up visibly, perky little tits heaving as she panicked. "Relax, I'll be gentle," he assured, though his skeevy grin suggested otherwise. He settled between her legs and took hold of his dick to give himself a few nice long strokes. His free hand moved to her crotch, where his fingers scoped out her entrance before one of them was sliding up inside those hot depths, pressing right up against Eridan's slick inner walls. "You're so wet for me already, ain't you, Eridan?"

"Wait!" she cried, and not for the first time. "Cro, w-wait!" She tried to pull herself up and away, tried to move backwards and get away from Cronus like she'd changed her mind. He only huffed, placing his hand on Eridan's chest and keeping her down as his finger probed deeper. He even added another, sliding it in next to the first as he wiggled them both around to stretch her out.

"Stay still. You want me to call you Eridan, don't you?" His cock was hard, way too hard to keep waiting, and he licked his lips, twisting his fingers around in some attempt at stretching her out further faster. "Don't make me stop now, I'll tell dad everything and I'll never call you Eridan again. You want to be Ariel for the rest of your life? I swear you'll always be a chick to me if you don't give me this."

She didn't answer, but she did stop squirming. Mostly. She also started crying, though. Kind of loudly. Cronus was fine with crying. She wasn't making this harder if she was just laying there in tears, but she did look awful with her face all scrunched up like that.

"That's better. What a good boy," he praised. That was about as much effort as he was going to put into soothing her, though. He yanked his fingers out and spread Eridan's legs wider so he could get into position. He lined himself up, nudging against her entrance and leaning down over her as he cupped her cheek, wiping at the tears that just kept flowing as though he actually gave a shit. "Deep breath, bro," he warned, then he was pushing, grunting as he started slowly forcing his way inside. Eridan grabbed two fists full of Cronus' shirt at his shoulders, eyes squeezed shut. Her back arched, and a strangled noise that might have been his name came out of her mouth. It was kind of cute, honestly.

"There you go, pal," Cronus grunted, his face flushed with arousal now as he realized that he was finally getting to stick his dick in something other than his hand. He pressed his mouth to Eridan's neck, burying his face there so he could kiss the flesh as he slowly worked himself in deeper. Nice and slow. He didn't wanna go tearing her open or anything. "Nowv relax. Come on... this ain't so bad, is it?" His lips moved up to her ear, breathing heavily against it while he rocked his hips gently and spoke his next words in a whisper. "Mmh, Eridan... you feel so good. C'mon and relax for me, little bro."

She was still crying, he could feel the tears on his own face where their cheeks pressed together, but her sobbing was quieting down. She was doing so good. The noises she was making could _almost_ be mistaken for desire, for moans and whimpers that meant she wanted more rather than whatever they meant now. She was trying, and that was all that mattered. Cronus pulled out to the tip once he'd managed to fit nearly the entire thing inside, then he slowly eased his way back in. God, it felt great. He wondered why he'd waited so long to do this. "How's it feel?" He was breathing heavily, face buried in Eridan's neck as his hand moved down to rub against her clit.

"I don't-- I don't know," she stammered in answer to the question, voice breathy and high with strain.

Some part of Cronus really wanted to see his sister get off to this. "Eridan... Eri, c'mon, it feels good." He picked up speed after that, starting a rhythmic motion of rocking in and out, pushing himself in fully on every inward thrust, balls pressing right up against her ass. "Tell me it's good," he breathed against her ear, "tell me you love it." Of course Cronus would be looking for praise through this whole bullshit ordeal, as if he were the one in need of encouragement. As if he felt some kind of self consciousness from the act of fucking his little sister.

"It... feels good," she choked out quickly in a whisper, and maybe she wasn't just saying it to make him feel better, because a soft little whine slipped out close on the heels of the words she said. Even if she did go on to turn her head away from Cronus, covering her face with one arm and smooshing her glasses against it.

"Good boy," Cronus crooned, then propped himself up to watch Eridan's face. It was a little difficult with that arm there, so he grabbed onto her wrist and tugged it away. He then went so far as to pin it down near her head. "I want to watch you cum for me." Once her arm was securely pinned, he got back to the task at hand, rubbing her clit as he worked himself up enough that he began to sweat. Though she turned her head to try to bury it against her arm anyway, Cronus was still enjoying himself enough that his thrusts quickly gained enough speed and force to jar Eridan's body. He wasn't going to last much longer, not that he didn't have a lot of stamina, honestly being single and sexless for so long left a guy with a lot of jerking off time on his hands, but the entire situation was just so wrong and disgusting in some amazingly hot way, he couldn't help but feel his climax approaching. "C'mon, babe... Nnh... C-c'mon and finish for me, don't make me do it first." His eyes were half lidded, locked on what he could see of Eridan's face. He took some sort of perverse pride in how red she'd gone from all of this, like it was like some kind of terrible accomplishment.

He couldn't help but congratulate himself when he felt Eridan actually moving her hips to meet his. Those tears meant exactly nothing. She listened to everything he told her like she'd been trained for it, gasping out a sharp sob while her body seized up. Cronus moved harder, grunting with each rough thrust now as he felt her squeezing around him. As elated as he was, it was still so surprising. He was seriously making her cum! His first time fucking someone and he was getting them off. He felt so proud of himself that it sped his own orgasm up significantly, the tightening of her cunt around his cock being more than enough to have him driving in to the hilt as he released. He thrusted through the whole thing, inadvertently driving his load deeper into his sister as he went. By the time he was finished spilling, Cronus was panting hard, chest heaving and face red as he left himself buried to the hilt inside of Eridan, gaze still locked on her face.

Somehow Eridan looked more embarrassed rather than less now that all was said and done. Though the word 'embarrassed' didn't seem extreme enough a word. 'Humiliated,' maybe? Yeah, that one sounded about right. Eventually, Eridan turned her head to look up at Cronus for a fleeting moment, face flushed though her expression was dull. Her voice was flat when she decided to speak. "...get off."

"Just did." Cronus' grin was far too wide for his own damn good. He at least complied with Eridan's wishes, pulling out and tucking himself away before sliding off the bed and to his feet. "I've got some shit to do now, glad we could have this nice little talk. I'm looking forward to talking some more later. Maybe tomorrow?" He stretched, looking satisfied as hell as he straightened his hair a little and then started for the door. He paused when he opened it, taking a moment to look back at Eridan. "Don't worry, bro, I got your back. Your secret's safe with me as long as you don't go fucking me over. We're in this together now." Cronus tossed a wink back over his shoulder as he stepped out, shutting the door behind him and heading to his room. Presumably tell someone that he just got laid.

Eridan stayed put, naked from the waist down and leaking foreign fluids onto that princess bedspread. 

 

 


	2. In Need of a Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow down, boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while, hasn't it?

Eridan laid there for a long time, staring blankly at his pink headboard while tears leaked out of his face. Was he even crying? He wasn't sure, but he felt like he should be. He felt like wailing loudly until someone came and made him feel better, but his Dad was probably not even home if he hadn’t come to see what was going on when Eridan had been crying loudly beneath his brother before, and any of their service staff was gone by this hour and would have been fucking useless anyway. He just... he felt so gross that he wanted to crawl out of his own skin, but he couldn't bring himself to move. His lower body was aching, his stomach was clenched up in discomfort and breathing was difficult at best.

Cronus had said something about more tomorrow. Eridan'd thought this was supposed to be a one time thing. He’d also said they were in this together, but they weren't in anything together. Except they totally were, weren't they? They would both keep a secret in the name of the other so that nothing bad would happen. Eridan swallowed thickly and pressed his fingers over his eyes, sobbing quietly. Something bad had already happened.

Why couldn't someone just come get him?

He didn't even know what he meant with that thought, but he held tight to it as he laid there and cried. He wanted somebody to come gather him up and make him feel better, but he couldn’t talk about this to anybody. Because he’d agreed to what happened, even if he regretted it now.

He lost a lot of time laying there on his bed and weeping on and off before he managed to drag himself out of bed. He stumbled into his en suite bathroom, where he struggled out what remained of his clothes and climbed into his bathtub. Nobody was going to come for him, so he needed to make himself feel better. He needed to clean _himself_ up and dry his _own_ tears. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like there was going to be any tear drying in the near future here. Eridan just cried under the water while it fell down on him, plastering his curls to his cheeks.

Once he was too exhausted and hungry to continue crying, Eridan bathed himself twice or three times over with hardly any tears at all. When he was done with that he dragged himself out of the bathroom to dry and get dressed as quickly as he could manage. He wanted to go eat, but he would sooner throw himself out a window than face Cronus at the moment.  Instead, he curled up in his favorite black sweater and pair of purple boxer briefs and went on to sit at his vanity.

Eridan stared at himself for a long time. There were a whole host of post shower rituals that he usually went through, to take care of his hair, to take care of his skin… He ignored them to pick up his brush and pull it through the curls on his head vacantly. That was the most he felt like he could manage right now. He didn’t want it to tangle, and this was the bare minimum. It was comforting, even, if he didn’t let his mind wander. Just the pull of bristles through tangles and himself making eye contact with his blurry reflection.

Where had his glasses gone? They’d come off with his clothes when he’d gone to bathe. He recovered them from where they'd fallen with his shirt and went back into his room, and then stood there for a while, regarding the area.

The blankets had to go. The headboard, too. All of this was garbage, and had been for a while, but it was especially true now. As long as he didn’t get anything overtly boyish, he was sure his father wouldn’t much of an eyelash at the purchase of a new bed. Maybe he’d ask tomorrow.

Or whenever Dad could be caught at home and in a good mood.

Eridan puffed out a sigh and grabbed his laptop. He set it securely on his desk and went on to tear the bedclothes from his mattress, flinging them into a pile on the floor. Fuck them. He’d burn them, maybe. That might be nice. Before then, though, he was going to get fucking rid of anything incriminating on his computer. Searches, files, whatever, anything that hinted at him as he really was. He’d be plastering fucking everything in passwords and maybe he’d even ask his friend Karkat to help with any other ways he could keep things private, considering the other guy was at least one step above him as far as being technologically literate.

Speaking of which, he was supposed to have fucking been playing a game with Karkat when he’d gotten home. They’d made plans the previous day to do so after school. Eridan looked at the clock to find that it had been actual hours since school had ended. He opened up his chat client to see if there were any messages and was greeted with a wall of gray text. He clicked away from it quickly and ultimately opened up the game they’d meant to play together. It was a beautiful 2D open world game that involved a lot of building and space exploration. He and Karkat had connected through it, thanks to their shared love of finding new planets and colonizing their populations. Or, rather, that’s what Eridan liked to do. It was just kind of fortuitous that Karkat liked to help him, he figured.

He clicked idly around his inventory while he tried to work up the nerve to talk to Karkat. He explored a little with his weird fish alien character, Caligula, but he couldn’t make himself enjoy it. This was his favorite game! It was supposed to be fun!

Why wasn’t it fun?

Apparently his day was going so supremely poorly that even plotting a fakey false video game genocide wasn’t going to help it. He stopped clicking around and got lost in thought. Maybe if he’d stayed out with Feferi, this wouldn’t have happened. He was supposed to be joining the swim team, but he didn’t like having to wear those girlish swimsuits in front of everyone. He _liked_ the swimsuits, sure, but he didn’t want everyone to mistake him liking girl clothes for him wanting to be a girl. That wasn’t the truth, that was far from the truth. He wasn’t a girl. Even if not everyone knew that yet. Even if his best friend didn’t know yet.

She didn’t see him in any way that he wanted to be viewed by her, really. Ugh, now was so not the time for him to dwell on that. On how when he’d gone to the gym to check out the swim meet how Feferi had been cozied up to that guy. Leaning against his shoulder and giggling and… breaking Eridan’s heart. Not that she was to blame for that. It was his own stupid fault for bottling up his feelings. It was his own stupid fault for not speaking up in time.

His mind drifted back to the pair of them when they were younger, their families having met at a resort during the summer. Their parents had gotten them matching bathing suits and they’d been so small that holding hands wasn’t weird. It was only cute, like it was cute when Eridan asked Feferi to marry him. Cute, and childish, and ridiculous and a hopeless dream. Doubly-- no, triply hopeless now between the nerd with the mismatched eyes and the fact that he’d fucked his _brother_. That he’d gotten off to fucking his brother. He was so fucking disgusting and he could never in clear conscience touch her ever again, really.

Not that she’d ever wanted him, anyway.

Eridan was staring blankly at his screen and spiraling quickly when he was startled out of his thoughts by a message notification. Slowly, Eridan clicked back over to read the most recent lines of gray left there for him.

CG: DUDE, I SEE YOU ONLINE. ARE WE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME KIND OF FIGHT I MISSED THE MEMO ON?  
CG: IF NOT FEEL FREE TO SPEAK UP WHENEVER YOU SEE FIT, YOUR ROYAL FUCKING HIGHNESS.  
CG: RELATEDLY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING UP UNTIL NOW? I’VE  BEEN WAITING HERE LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR YOU TO SHOW UP FOR, OH, I DON’T KNOW, AT LEAST AN ASSNUMBINGLY BORING HOUR AND A HALF.

Eridan's face crumpled, but he fought down the tears. Where had he been? He sucked in a breath and tried to calm down. It was a simple question, answering it should be simple too. His message was uncharacteristically concise.

CA: i wwas busy

The answer came near instantaneously.

CG: FUCK YOU, BUSY. IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE A DATE WITH ME, AMPORA, YOU KEEP IT OR DON’T CRY AND WHINE TO ME ABOUT HAVING NOBODY TO PLAY THIS GAME WITH IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Eridan didn’t answer. He was fighting down tears again.

CG: BESIDES, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU TO SKIP OUT ON THIS.

Part of him was screamingly grateful that Karkat hadn't dismissed him for what he'd said, and shit-- he was crying again. Why was he even crying? He'd agreed to the whole ordeal, hadn't he? It took him a lot longer than he would have liked to get his tears under control this time, and with soaked sleeves and a wet sniffle, he let his fingers hover over the keyboard while he tried to think of a response. He didn't want to lie to Karkat, but there was no way he was about to tell the truth. Maybe he could swing something in between. His day had still been absolutely wretched without mention of the worst and most recent part of it.

CA: fef fucking snubbed me after school today so theres that  
CA: and cro found out about me

Now, when Eridan whined, he really put spirit into it. There were a lot of dramatics to behold when dealing with the youngest Ampora personally, and he was trying to channel that part of himself, but... he just. He didn't want to talk about his problems all that much for once. As he waited to see what Karkat would say, he had to take a second to push up his glasses to press the heels of his palms against his eyes.

CG: PACK A BAG, I’M GOING TO COME GET YOU.  
CG: AND NO, YOU DON’T GET A CHOICE, I’M LEAVING AFTER I SEND YOU THIS SO YOU HAVE LIKE TWENTY MINUTES TO GET READY.

Eridan was feeling overwhelmed with emotion again, torn between his self loathing and being insanely glad that Karkat cared enough to want to come sweep him away from all this-- even when Karkat didn't know everything that ‘all this' was. Eridan might have thought it was romantic at any other time, but for now he was just grateful. Instead of answering the message, he just got up and grabbed his backpack, shoved his laptop inside, and stuffed enough stuff for a couple days in as well. He pulled on his favorite pair of pants and crawled around looking for his sneakers, which he eventually found in opposite ends of the room. With the packing done and his scarf thrown haphazardly over his shoulder-- he left his rings and hadn't bothered to style his hair, so it was looking a wavy mess-- he went and stood at his door. How was he going to get out? He didn't want to run into Cronus and risk being asked questions about his backpack. He didn't want to run into Cronus, period. Eridan briefly considered sneaking into his father's room to go down to the kitchen via the dumbwaiter, but nixed that idea quickly. He hadn't done that in a long time, and was probably too big now, especially with his backpack. Eridan grabbed a few other things as he thought quickly.

He wet his lips, and went to his bedroom window to look out of it. There was no fucking way he could climb down, but maybe his bag would be okay if he dropped it in the bushes? Best not to think about it too long. Eridan took a deep breath, and dropped it in the topiary under his window, where it wedged instead of dropping to the ground, much to his relief. Without his backpack, it would be much less suspicious of him to be out of his room and downstairs if he did run into his brother. He shut his window and caught his lower lip between his teeth. If he treated this like one of his stealth games, maybe it wouldn't make him so fucking jittery? Just concentrate on the objective and keep your ears open and your eyes peeled.

Wait, he should take his shoes off. Eridan got out of his shoes and crept out of his room as quietly as possible, leaving the door slightly ajar so as to avoid the clicking noise it made as it shut. He definitely wanted to just bolt all the way down the stairs and out of the house, but he took his time instead, listening carefully for his brother while he made his way outside. Much to his relief, he made it out fairly quickly and quietly through the back door in the kitchen. In no time at all, he'd rounded the house to fetch his backpack and then darted back to slip out of the front gates with as little noise as possible.

Luckily for Eridan, Cronus had apparently been too busy in his room to bother with leaving for any reason. Eridan bitterly imagined him bragging to his friends about how he'd gotten laid, and was startled out of that line of thought when he noticed Karkat parked the next house over. He'd been picking leaves off his backpack as he'd waited, and had missed the car pulling up and parking. His heart beat fast in his chest when he imagined Karkat honking for him, but Karkat was clever enough not to do that. There was also a pretty high possibility that he'd sped on the way over-- it had only been what felt like a scant few minutes since they'd spoken online and Eridan had crept out of the house. Eridan rushed over, pulling open an unlocked door to stuff his bag in the back seat before climbing in, himself.

Given his puffy face and the red in his eyes, it was fairly obvious that he'd been crying, though not a lot could explain why he hadn't even bothered to do his hair or put on any of the copious amounts of jewelry he generally wore.

"Thanks," he said quietly, and tersely, staring straight ahead. He kind of wished he hadn't tossed his bag in the back... he was in a sweater that was fairly baggy, but still really uncomfortable with the possibility of it not being enough to hide the curve of his chest.

Eridan could feel Karkat's eyes on him, and he tried not to wilt under the stare. Should he have said something else?

"I'm going to fucking kill your brother, I swear," Karkat hissed under his breath, quickly driving off and going a few miles over the speed limit in his effort to get home as soon as possible. "You can stay at my place for however long you need, I don't care if your dad or brother complains or whatever." He was glaring at the road, looking thoroughly pissed off at the asphalt with how mad he was right then. He didn't know the full extent of what happened, but he intended to get to the bottom of it.

Eridan sniffled wetly and grit his teeth. He couldn't start crying again, not in front of Karkat. He wiped quickly at the corner of his right eye.

"Yeah, thanks..." he said again, and it came out hoarse and quiet around the lump in his throat. He cleared it quietly and tried to continue as casually as possible. "I w-would have grabbed some snacks or somethin' but... I left in kind of a hurry. Heh."

Karkat nodded, keeping his mouth shut for the most part. They rode in silence until they came to Karkat's place and pulled into the driveway. He parked and looked over at Eridan, sighing after a beat. "Let's go. No one's home so we don't have to worry about being quiet." 

Eridan nodded back and took a breath. He liked Karkat's family well enough, but he didn't doubt that Mr. Vantas would probe if he saw Eridan looking the way he was, and he didn't even want to think about running into Kankri. Maybe he could just hole up in Karkat's tiny closet and never leave. 

Karkat opened the car door and then paused, hesitating a moment before placing a hand on Eridan's leg and giving him a small squeeze before climbing out of the car and starting for the front door to unlock it. Eridan, however, froze while reaching for his bag thanks to Karkat's hand on his leg, despite the briefness of the touch. Suddenly, he wanted to cry again. He trusted his friend implicitly, but he'd honestly been scared in the beat between Karkat touching him and Karkat getting out of the car, and now he was mad about that. Mad at himself, because there was no reason for that fear. After another quiet breath, he got his bag and scurried out of the vehicle after his friend.

Said friend headed inside, waiting for Eridan to follow him in before shutting and locking the door. He led Eridan to his room, where he shut the door and then sat down on the bed. "Okay, it's obvious that you need to talk," he started.  He patted the spot next to him on the bed, motioning for Eridan to sit down. "I don't care how much you don't want to talk about it, you definitely need to. Tell me what happened. Did Cronus act like an insensitive asshole?"

After setting his bag on the floor just inside the door, Eridan crossed the room and sat on the bed, staring vacantly at nothing for a good while. He couldn't tell the whole story, but he owed it to Karkat to tell at least some of it, since he'd come and gotten him. Eridan rubbed his leg uncomfortably while he thought for a moment. "He w-was in my room when I got in from school... just fuckin' sittin' around like it was his." He shook his head, and sneered. "He had my laptop on, diggin' through the history and all that..."

"Ugh, of course he'd do that." Karkat rubbed his head, growling a little under his breath. "What did he fucking say about it? Just vent it out, tell me how much of a dick he was and then we can talk shit about him. He has no right to say anything about how you choose to identify."

If he had a choice, this was by no means what he would fucking choose. The bitter thought almost came out of his mouth, but Eridan bit his tongue instead. He didn't want to lash out at Karkat, he didn't want any more conflict. His hair curled loosely against his forehead as he stared down at his hands and picked at his nails. He shrugged one shoulder. "He thought I was a lesbian, and said he might tell Dad. I guess we shouted for a w-while or some shit-- I'm so fuckin' stupid, I don't know how, but I fuckin' ended up TELLIN' him he wasn't right, and why." Eridan covered his face briefly with both hands and sighed before he scrubbed at his eyes little. He had done that, hadn't he? Would it have gone differently if he just said he was a lesbian? He let his hands slide down most of the way off of his face until they were just covering his mouth, and he stared in distress at the floor.

"So did he leave you alone after that?" Karkat quirked a brow, confused about what exactly had made Eridan so upset if Cronus had left after the argument. "Did he say he was going to tell your dad even after that?" 

Eridan tried to sniffle quietly as Karkat crossed his arms. Eridan would have grossed himself out if he snotted on his hands, so the sniffling ended up being perfectly audible. His eyes were kind of wide. "He, yeah. He left after that. He's not goin' to tell Dad."

"Good." Karkat stared down at his lap for a moment, then looked up at Eridan and uncrossed his arms with a sigh, relaxing his stance somewhat. "Do you need to maybe..." he trailed off, letting his body language finish the sentence for him as he spread his arms open and turned his body toward his friend. He wasn't incredibly touchy feely, usually keeping his hands to himself for the most part, but his close friends were the few rare exceptions to that.

Eridan looked at Karkat for a long moment, debating with himself. On the one hand, he wasn't sure he wanted to be touched. On the other, he reminded himself, this was Karkat. His friend, who'd driven all the way down to his house to come pick him up at the first hint that something bad was happening. Hugging him would be okay. He leaned in to take the hug after those thoughts, and clung probably too tightly to his friend. He pressed his face against Karkat's shoulder and held his breath because his fucking throat felt like it was closing up again, and he didn't want to start crying for the sixtieth time today.

Karkat held him tight, nuzzling against Eridan and rubbing his back. "It's going to be fine, man, really. If your piece of shit brother tells anyone about you then we'll deal with it. I'm here if you need anything." Karkat really tried his best to be a good friend, and Eridan knew he fucking hated seeing his friends upset. He held Eridan a little tighter. "It's okay if you need to cry or whatever."

Being told it was okay to let it out didn't make him feel like it was, but the tears were coming anyway, so he buried his face against Karkat's shoulder and let them. A few tears quickly turned into a torrent of them, and much to his embarrassment, Eridan ended up sobbing hard against Karkat's shoulder. It was completely disproportionate to the story he'd told, so he tried to get it under control quickly. Unfortunately, he was crying as much out of overwhelming gratitude as he was over what had happened, and stemming the flow was difficult once it'd started. Karkat clenched his fists in the back of Eridan's shirt, pressing his face into the other boy's neck. It wouldn't have surprised Eridan if Karkat could tell that something more had gone on than he was telling.

Abruptly, Karkat grabbed Eridan's shoulders, pushed him back, and cupped his cheeks. "You know you're a great person even if your brother doesn't see it, right?" 

He used his thumbs to wipe at the tears on Eridan's face, pushing his glasses up in the process. They were foggy from all the tears and from being squished up against Eridan's face. His dimpled chin wrinkled as he fought off sobbing some more while his tears were wiped away. He felt so damned pathetic. He hung on to his friend by the sleeve and nodded a little. "You don't need to change to try to impress anyone," Karkat went on.

Eridan's eyes were red rimmed and his hair was messy, and when he realized how gross he must look, he almost turned away from Karkat to scrub at his face with a sleeve. The movement was aborted by Karkat's hold on his face. He wasn't sure at all what his brother thought about him when all was said and done, but he knew he was mostly a good guy. Or, he hoped he was. He just also knew that he was absolutely fucking disgusting. After blinking slowly and then shifting his eyes away miserably, Eridan mumbled, "Thanks, Kar..."

Once he'd gotten over his initial hesitation, Eridan held one of Karkat's hands to his cheek and turned his head so that he could feel more of that warmth against his face, effectively nuzzling against it. He shut his eyes against the embarrassment, against the feeling that he didn't deserve to be treated this kindly, that he shouldn't let Karkat touch him because of what he'd let his brother do to him like whatever badness he felt about himself was somehow contagious. Karkat at rubbed his thumb against Eridan's cheek while his other hand moved to run through the other boy's messy hair. Thanks to his shut eyes, Eridan missed entirely the moment the bed dipped some from Karkat leaning in to press a small kiss to Eridan's forehead. He opened his eyes as another chaste kiss was laid against his cheek, heart thumping as Karkat rested their foreheads together. "I care about you, man, I really do. You're like my closest friend." He paused for a beat. "...And I don't know if it's just my intense need to make you feel better talking, but I think I can safely say that I love you."

There was another silence. "I probably sound like a sympathetic idiot, but it's the truth."

Tears welled up in Eridan's eyes again to hear that, and he wiped them away as quickly as he could, frustrated with himself for not being tougher. If he couldn't stop crying, he was just going to give up and go play in traffic. It wasn't like this was a bad thing, right? Karkat had said he _loved_ him. Gladness aside, why did it make him feel gross and apologetic?

"No-- no, you don't sound like an idiot. I feel like that too. About you." Oh man, that was... was that weird to say? "Not sympathetic-- I mean, yeah if somethin' happens to you or w-whatever and it's bad, I feel bad for you but what I meant is like-- you're a dear fuckin' friend of mine too, and--" He was babbling and damp eyed and certain all of a sudden that HE was the idiot. "And... and thank you so fuckin' much for comin' to get me, Kar, I don't know how I coulda stayed home alone w-with--" He pulled away enough to tug his useless glasses off of his face and clutched them in his hand. They were smudged and steamy and tears just kept coming, so they weren't going to be of any use until he cleaned them.

"W-would it be real out of bounds if I kissed you?" The words came out of Eridan's mouth before he could think about them too hard. A first kiss was a first he could give to someone of his own accord, at least.

Karkat didn't say anything, didn't move, and Eridan's stomach dropped. That had been stupid. He shouldn't have asked. He berated himself violently on the inside but that ground abruptly to a halt when Karkat nodded. His hands moved to Eridan's shoulders and squeezed them gently as he positioned himself closer. "Kissing sounds good to me."

It had felt like a shot in the dark, but Karkat was all for it? Eridan hadn't known what he'd expected, exactly-- he hadn't even really meant to say it-- but he was so surprised and pleased that a breathy laugh bubbled up out of him. He would have asked again for absolute confirmation that it was a real thing they were going to do together, but Karkat was already leaning in. Their lips were close enough to touch, but Karkat waited for him to lean the rest of the way, the barest hint of a smile on his face. Eridan tried to ease the fluttery feeling he was getting so that he didn't laugh on Karkat's mouth with a quiet inhale, and then he shut his eyes and did it. He pressed his lips against Karkat's hard for a fleeting moment before pulling away, face flushed. Oh god. Oh god, he did it. He totally kissed Karkat on the mouth.

Karkat leaned in as Eridan pulled away, following him back for a moment before he sat back up straight. It made that tiny smile bloom big on Eridan's face, and as it did Karkat wrapped his arms around Eridan to pull him into another kiss. It might have made Eridan panic again, but the hold was loose enough that Eridan found he could easily get out of it if he had any objections. He did not.

It was kind of funny. Eridan had kind of scoffed at the thought of actually kissing anyone in real life, before now. At least, inside his head. What could be so fun about mashing your face up against someone else's? But he was here now, and doing it with someone who had fucking come riding up like a knight on a horse to rescue him-- the prince stuck in the tower with a huge jerk for a brother. ...and he felt so ridiculous for that thought. 

No one must ever know he had that thought.

Kissing really was much nicer than he'd imagined, though. Given that this was his first (he and Vriska had only ever really rough housed and held hands when no one was looking), Eridan wasn't an expert. His kiss was made up largely of hope and too much pressure, like he thought if he didn't kiss Karkat hard enough, the other boy might leave.

Karkat didn't seem to be planning on going anywhere, though, not if the fact that he was pressing his lips pressing more and more insistently against Eridan's was any indication. He licked tentatively at Eridan's lips, and it made something low down in Eridan's belly flutter. He was being swept away, but it was starting to get scary. He was on the verge of stopping Karkat when his friend (more than friend?) scooted slowly closer, applying pressure against one of his shoulders to urge him down onto his back.

Eridan went down without fighting, but the color rising in his cheeks was from anxiety. Karkat didn't scare him, Karkat didn't make him feel gross, so he couldn't understand why he was so afraid. Karkat was on top of him before he could figure it out, kissing him tenderly while his hands trembled and he tried not to freak out. Karkat's hand was trailing down his side when he realized suddenly that he wanted very much to get away. Instead of doing so, Eridan only clenched his hands in the back of Karkat's shirt and went very still as he tried to keep his breathing from picking up too obviously. "K-Kar... Kar, please. W-wait--"


	3. Moving Too Fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two best friends make hasty decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again

Almost immediately, Karkat pulled away. He didn't pull too far away, staying somewhat close as he realized something was wrong. "Shit, I was moving things too fast, wasn't I?" He frowned, looking really upset with himself before lowering his head and pressing his forehead against Eridan's chest. "Sorry, I'm a piece of shit, just ignore me, I didn't mean to try to make you do anything you weren't comfortable with."

"I-it's okay," Eridan whispered. He swallowed hard and rested his hand on the back of Karkat's head. He was achingly relieved that Karkat stopped when he asked. "No, it's okay... I just... we can keep going. I w-want to keep going. Just let me up, okay?"

"I'm sorry, okay look I'm moving." He sat up, moving off of Eridan and holding his head in his hands with a groan. "You don't need to keep going just because I was an idiot and tried to take things too far. Like, wow, past me is a fucking asshole, I'm sorry he just did that."

Eridan sat up and ran his hand back through his hair. It made a mess of it rather than putting it in any kind of order, but he wasn't even remotely concerned with how he looked in the moment. He leaned so that he could try to get a look at Karkat's face. The upset seemed genuine to Eridan, and he was already feeling less frightened. He didn't want Karkat to feel bad any more than he wanted to feel bad himself, and he scratched at the inside of his ear as he peeked over. After a short silence, Eridan spoke.

"Shut up for a second," he said quietly and not unkindly. "It's no big deal, I just... needed some air or somethin' I guess. I don't want to stop, though. If you don't." He nudged Karkat gently with his shoulder, and then as an afterthought, leaned over to kiss his cheek. It felt silly and very incredibly grade school, but good, too. So why not?

Karkat's face heated, and Eridan did him a solid by looking away for a moment. It gave both of them a little time to compose themselves before Eridan faced him again.

"You really want to keep going?" Karkat asked. Quickly, he added, "You just have to tell me if you want me to stop, man. But I'm not gonna do anything if you're not sure you want to."

The serious face and red cheeks endeared Karkat to Eridan deeply. He wanted Karkat to be happy, and he wanted himself to be happy. This could make them happy, right? Maybe? Probably. "I'll tell you if I don't want to do somethin', okay? I just did, right? But I'm okay now, I'm good. I'm good and I wanna kiss you some more. Or you know... whatever happens."

Karkat gave a small nod and maybe even smiled just a little bit. There was a fluttery feeling inside Eridan again, but it was more like butterflies this time. After all that had gone on so recently that he could hardly even address it inside his head, this kind of softness and sweetness was just the thing he thought he needed. It comforted him to hear Karkat say, "Sure. Anything you want, Eridan."

"Okay," he answered, and he gave Karkat a fleeting grin. "Well... I wanna be on top if we lay down again." Karkat nodded his agreement, and in the next moment Eridan leaned in again, slowly enough that Karkat could pull away if he felt the urge to do so. Karkat met his lips and settled hands on Eridan's shoulders. There were more tentative tongue touches that warmed Eridan through. The kiss broke sooner than he would have liked, but Karkat didn't pull away from him. Their faces stayed very close, close enough that continuing the kiss would have been as easy as taking a deep breath.

Karkat laughed, and Eridan felt heat creeping up the back of his neck in embarrassment. What was the laughter about? A pout or a tantrum, or some kind of anger almost made itself at home inside him, but then Karkat spoke. "You're the first guy I've ever kissed," he said, and a smile bloomed on Eridan's face. And here he'd thought he was a bad kisser.

"Me too," he replied eventually, somewhat sheepish. "I mean, you're the first guy I ever kissed, too. The first anybody, actually. Is that pathetic?"

"I don't think so. It just makes this special or something." Karkat's voice was so soft. It was weird, but Eridan was enjoying it immensely. It felt special, just like he'd said. "That probably sounds stupid." He laughed again, and Eridan wondered if Karkat was nervous. Feferi laughed when she was nervous sometimes, it wasn't that weird. He probably definitely wasn't laughing _at_ Eridan. Eridan hoped.

That train of thought was derailed when Karkat stole another quick kiss and said, "Hey, let's keep going. ...you can be on top and everything." His fingers slightly dug into Eridan's shoulders as he tugged him closer and leaned backwards onto his bed. It seemed abrupt, and it made the hair on the back of Eridan's neck stand up to get pulled that way, but with a deep breath, he reminded himself that this was Karkat. And that Karkat wasn't going to  _make_ him do anything. That he'd stop the second Eridan asked him to stop. If Eridan asked him to stop.

"Uh. Yeah. Okay," he answered eloquently as he was tugged down. This didn't make him uncomfortable in the slightest. The nerves that had his stomach twisting up were in no way negative. Probably? They were likely just urges from his body for him to continue while he laid awkwardly against his friend. As if to combat that awkwardness, Eridan took another deep breath through his nose, planting a hand on Karkat's belly as he climbed onto his lap. Eridan was in charge here, so nothing bad was going to happen. Nothing bad was going to happen, he was sure, but his face still burned in anxiety or embarrassment, he wasn't sure which.

He settled his hands on either side of Karkat's head, and dipped back down to suck gently at the other boy's lower lip. Karkat tensed beneath him, and Eridan froze instantly. Was this too much? Was he doing something wrong? Of course he was doing something wrong, a voice in the back of his head whispered to him. He was getting his disgusting body all over Karkat. Karkat was probably realizing that this wasn't something he wanted, he was probably hurting Karkat or something awful like that, and his skin prickled while he blushed anxiously at the thought.

Instead of asking him to get off, Karkat seemed to relax under him, and he pressed their lips together again, tongue flicking out in some attempt at turning this kiss into something a little deeper. Instead of relaxing Eridan as well, it just shifted the focus of the small amount of panic that was making his heart pound. Karkat enjoying this was scary too, but in a different way. Eridan didn't really know how you went about kissing someone with tongue and all that, and was worried that he was going to screw up and have Karkat laugh at him again, but for real this time. Laugh derisively, because he didn't know what he was doing. He touched his tongue to Karkat's hesitantly, and even that small thing was enough to send heat swirling through him again. Was that a weird reaction? Was it too early to just... stick his tongue in Karkat's mouth?

Eridan probably just needed to take it little by little. He smoothed his thumb fleetingly across Karkat's cheek and licked at his tongue, slow and careful. He wanted desperately to ask if that had been weird, what with the way Karkat sucked in a breath, but maybe that was good? Karkat clutched at the back of his shirt and worked his lips and tongue against Eridan's in a way that coaxed a soft sound out of him. It was embarrassing enough that Eridan thought he might die of shame alone, and he almost pulled away. Karkat's arms at his back kept him where he was, but it was reassuring rather than frightening.

Eridan shifted his weight and Karkat tensed up again. He sat up some, scooting back enough that Karkat's jeans poked at his butt. It didn't register for him that it could be anything other than a thick fold in the denim. "This is okay, right?" Eridan asked in a hushed voice. Karkat sucked in a breath as Eridan shifted again like he might climb down off of Karkat, but Karkat grabbed his hips to keep him in place.

"Fuck, this is more than okay," he said, hands traveling to settle on Eridan's outer thighs before any anxiety had a chance to build in him about that grip. "Sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you. I'm already fucking up."

Eridan wet his lips and considered. If he kept stopping like this, they were both going to freak out, probably. He had to... be firm. Or something. Confident. Yeah. He leaned back down, and tried to think not-hesitant thoughts while he rocked his clothed hips over Karkat's. "You're not fuckin' up," he said. Trying and failing spectacularly to be smooth, he added, "...but you could be." Oh god, what a stupid thing to say! Eridan wanted to slide off onto the floor and then maybe continue downward until he disappeared through the carpet or something. Just plummet straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. He felt like SUCH a fucking nerd! Instead of saying as much, though, or giving Karkat the opportunity to, he just blushed harder at his own ridiculousness and locked lips with Karkat again. He couldn't say anything if they were kissing!

This was probably definitely them moving too fast, but it was easy to get swept away. He was just incredibly glad that there was someone in his life who cared about him so much, and this felt good and _right_ , besides. Not like... not like anything else he was pointedly not thinking about. Because this memory, the one he was forming, it was going to replace that other one, and Eridan would be able to be happy then, right? Right. That's how those things work. He wanted to pause again to ask if what he was doing was okay, but he decided that Karkat's enthusiastic kiss and the way he ground up against Eridan probably were things to take encouragement from. He pushed Karkat's hair up and out of his face and held it there as he moved in tandem, pinching the other boy's lower lip between his teeth and tugging carefully. His breath was coming in little puffs now. He'd worked himself up kind of a lot. "You said w-were home alone, didn't you?"

He sounded short of breath when he answered, and Eridan took satisfaction in that. The other boy was practically panting. "Y-yeah, no one's coming home for another few hours." If he'd taken satisfaction in making Karkat breathe hard, Eridan found outright pleasure in having made him stammer.

There was a moment of silence while the pair looked at each other and the reality of the situation seemed to settle down on Karkat at least.

"You really want to do this?" he asked, swallowing hard. "I won't be mad if you want to stop, seriously, it's not a big deal."

Eridan was nodding before the words came out his mouth, however. "Yeah, no, I really wanna do this. I do. With you." He wet his lips again. Somehow, they felt really dry. It was probably just his nerves. He could ignore it. Eridan scooted back until he was sitting more squarely on Karkat's lap so he could reach and fiddle with the fly of his jeans. "So... Let's do it. You ought to get your jeans open, and I can do mine?"

"Sure, whatever you want." Karkat nodded and reached down to undo his jeans, but his eyes were on Eridan. Eridan watched Karkat watch him, face hot. "I just need you to kinda..." Karkat squirmed a little when he got his pants undone, then started trying to push both them and his underwear down his hips.

"Kinda...?" Oh. Eridan was in the way! "Oh! Yeah, yeah... sorry." Eridan climbed off and sat on the edge of the bed for a little while before tugging his pants down and kicking them off. Heat was creeping slowly back up his neck to his face. If he still had his glasses on, they would almost definitely have fogged by now. Eridan hooked his thumbs into his underpants, but hesitated. His voice was breathy with embarrassment as he looked down and spoke.

"Kar? Do you think I could keep my skivvies on? Or... I guess that could get w-weird... maybe you could just... don't look at me, okay?" He felt like such a baby. He chewed at his lower lip and quickly got out of his underpants without waiting for an answer. Once Karkat was done getting out of the stuff covering his lower body, Eridan climbed back up and stayed there over Karkat on his knees so that they mostly weren't touching. His breathing was still pretty shallow, and he kept his sweater pulled down to obscure his privates from view. It was stupid, he thought. Like he wasn't about to get really close and personal with Karkat, anyway. "You can touch me as much as you want, though."

Burn away the feeling of those other hands.

Karkat's face reddened as he slowly reached out to touch Eridan, placing his hands on his hips and sliding them up with care. "You didn't want me to look at it. Are you sure it's okay for me to touch you there?" He brought his gaze up to meet Eridan's, his expression earnest while his thumbs idly rubbed circles on skin, making their way a inch by inch to said area.

"Yeah," Eridan croaked out in a whisper, like someone else might hear them, even though he'd been explicitly told that they were alone. "You can touch me anyplace. I want you to touch me." He was already more than a little wet from their previous actions, and he wanted to just... have a seat, as it were, but some part of him was still hesitant. Even though he trusted Karkat, Eridan was still afraid that Karkat would change his mind about all this, or accidentally call him by the wrong name, or decide he was a girl because of what was between his legs. His head was getting too loud on the inside for him, so he shut it up to the best of his ability by taking one of Karkat's hands and urging it down farther so that both of them could feel whatever there was to feel.

What there was to feel were slick folds and fingers. Eridan's eyes slid shut, but that turned out to be a bad idea, as the wrong face flashed for him behind his lids. His thick brows pinched together as he opened his eyes a slit to watch Karkat. Karkat was someone he  _wanted_ to be with in the here and now, and if he had to keep his eyes open to stay in the moment, then that was just what he was going to do. Karkat seemed to have some kind of idea of what he was doing, fingers circling slickly over and against Eridan's clit. He let out a breathy sigh, urging Karkat's fingers on with pressure from his own at the back of them. If he pretended hard enough, Eridan could make like this was the first time someone had done it to him. It was definitely the first time someone had done it to him that he wanted.

"Feels good," he whispered. He was getting impatient, though. Some part of him had built up the idea that sex with Karkat would wash away his earlier experience, and it was all he could think about. "Is it-- is it okay if we just...?" He'd shifted his hips, rocking them like he wanted to settle down, but stayed on his knees.

Karkat's eyes widened at that, fingers pausing in the spot they'd been pressed against. "Uh... yeah, sure. I mean, if you think you're ready for that."

His hesitation made Eridan feel hesitation, too. Karkat went on, "Aren't we supposed to use fingers first? Unless you think you can do it without that." He pulled his fingers away from Eridan's body, eyes on them while he touched them together, while he viewed the string of moisture connecting them. "I'm ready if you are."

"I can do it," Eridan answered quietly, nodding. He didn't know much at all about how sex was meant to work in practice, but that wasn't a real reason to be hesitant, was it? Karkat didn't know more than him, probably. They were figuring this out together. Rather than dwelling on it, Eridan leaned forward, putting his weight on his hands so that he could kiss Karkat again. He settled his hips down so that he could rub his slit over Karkat's erection a few times in an effort to get it inside himself. Much to his mortification, he was so wet that it kept slipping away. It felt really good, but it made him feel so ridiculous that Eridan couldn't bring himself to say anything.

Karkat groaned softly under him, clutching Eridan's hips and sucking in a deep breath as he struggled to just get it in.

"That's probably my fault," he mumbled, breaking the kiss as he tugged on the other boy's hip. The two of them didn't really look at each other, focusing instead on marching forward, getting this done. "Here," Karkat murmured, "try it now."

Eridan might have frantically told Karkat to shut up and not acknowledge that he was messing up if he could have gotten over how embarrassed he was about it. Instead, he just buried his face against Karkat's neck and sank down and around his length slowly. He should have gone slower still, because despite how wet he was it still hurt a little. He ignored the feeling and didn't stop until he was fully seated on Karkat's hips and taking tiny groaning breaths against his pulse.

"H-hey, take it slow!" Karkat tried to get Eridan to listen, but the boy was pressed down all the way before he could think of a way to stop him and Karkat really couldn't help but toss his head back with a somewhat subdued cry.

"Fuck, holy fuck, E-Eridan," he gasped, his hands clutching tightly at the other boy's hips underneath his top.

"Sorry," Eridan whispered. "Sorry." Why was he even whispering? He sat up enough that he could reach Karkat's mouth with his to reinitiate that broken kiss and ground their hips together with a soft whine. This felt... much better than he had anticipated, even around the vague ache. After grinding down against Karkat again, Eridan lifted and lowered his hips experimentally.

It made Karkat whine, and the sound of it shot heat straight through Eridan. Karkat kissed him harder, and Eridan felt suddenly like he might cry. This felt so good and so right even as Karkat's fingers made their way to the back of Eridan's neck and clutched at his shirt he didn't feel anything bad. Crying would be so fucking embarrassing, but his throat was closing up and he didn't know how to fix it.

Karkat pushed his hips up, and it shifted Eridan's body against Karkat's with a sweet sensation that left him gasping into Karkat's mouth. His cock was so hot and slipped against Eridan's walls in such a wonderful way that it felt like their bodies were made to fit together this way.

He tried to keep himself moving slowly because it felt good and he wanted to draw it out, but before long it had him trembling where he sat bowed on Karkat's lap trying to focus on finding some kind of rhythm and kissing at the same time.

The urge to cry slowly melted away, and was replaced in no time at all by amusement and joy, and desire above even those. Karkat slipped out twice, and twice the two of them broke their kiss to murmur and laugh softly and bump hands as they both went to correct the problem at the same time. It was stupid, and should probably have been embarrassing, but it mostly just felt nice. All of it had mostly just felt nice.

They rocked together steadily, the slick sliding of the place where their bodies met and parted and met again audible as they picked up speed. Karkat bit gently at Eridan's lips, sucked softly and whimpered into his mouth. It hadn't been very long at all before Karkat turned his head away from that kiss, face red and breath shallow as he scrunched up his face and murmured quickly, "I'm gonna..."

"W-wait, Kar, w-wait," Eridan pleaded, burying his face against Karkat's briefly before he sat up to bounce properly on his lap. It felt so good and he was so close he could almost taste it. He'd been pretty quiet, but his voice was picking up now in needy sounding gasps and moans. Almost. Almost...

"Fuckfuckfuck I can't!" Karkat cried, and Eridan felt it as Karkat's dick twitched inside him, slicking things up even more than they had been as a high, strangled sort of moan came out of him. He clung tightly to Eridan's hips as he convulsed, bucking hard as his nails dug into Eridan's skin. Eridan tried to chase down his own orgasm while Karkat was still milking his own, but he just didn't make it.

"I-I'm sorry," Karkat breathed out while Eridan whined. Eridan could almost cry from the disappointment and the need. He was so close... he toppled off of Karkat and shoved a hand down between his legs to try to finish himself what they'd started together.

Eridan could hear Karkat laying there puffing out breaths while he got his hand on his clit and rubbed in frantic circles. He was so focused on doing so that he barely registered Karkat's movement until his legs were being tugged apart. He shifted into his back from the tugging and looked up at the disheveled Karkat in confusion as he leaned in. Was he ready to go again already? Eridan thought that took some time...?

It wasn't mounting Eridan that Karkat was trying for, though, and in short order, his face was buried between Eridan's legs. Reflexively, Eridan tried to clamp them shut, but the warmth and wet of Karkat's tongue saved him from from that fate. Eridan cried out, a high noise that he would definitely be embarrassed about later on as Karkat's tongue pushed into him and lapped up under and over the most intimate parts of him.

The moans Karkat worked out of Eridan were full throated and raw, musical, almost. Eridan grabbed two fists full of Karkat's hair in the heat of the moment, grinding against his face until the pleasure winding his body tight snapped and flooded through him. He choked out another cry, eyes squeezed tight and skin flushed bright. Karkat's tongue still moved against him, though more lazily as he loosened his fingers from the other's hair and tried to catch his breath.

As he shook and sighed, Karkat sat up, and Eridan swallowed hard at the look on his face. He was grinning, and it made Eridan grin too, even as Karkat wiped at his face. He asked, "Was that okay?"

Eridan's smile stayed in place even as his throat began to close up again, and Eridan wondered what the fuck his problem was. He sniffled audibly, and tears rolled down his cheeks. What the fuck was he crying for?

He wasn't sure, and he was utterly embarrassed. He rubbed at his eyes with his shoulder and nodded emphatically, reaching out for Karkat. "Yeah," he answered aloud. He wanted to hide, shamefaced for crying, but he wanted Karkat near him more. "Is-- can w-we lay down together for a w-while, now?"

"Sure."

Karkat didn't say anything about him crying, for which Eridan would always be grateful. He just flopped down beside Eridan and wrapped an arm around his middle, resting his head on Eridan's shoulder with a sigh.

There was a companionable silence as they curled up together, and Eridan dried his own tears. Then, Karkat spoke up after poking gently at Karkat with one finger.

"Do you want to maybe... I don't know, be my boyfriend or something?" He mumbled the words into Eridan's shoulder.

Eridan's heart leapt up into his chest. It hadn't even occured to him to consider that their status as friends might possibly change over this. They were such good friends, and wow, being boyfriends sounded amazing, but what about Feferi? Beautiful Feferi who he loved and had been so determined to marry one day, even if it was a secret, and even if it might never really happen...? Wasn't he supposed to grow up and have a million babies with her?

Well... no. He did love her, and she was beautiful, and maybe he would always have a little bit of hope in his heart concerning her, but she'd never seen him that way, and he knew it. She thought of them as siblings. He'd just kind of always taken for granted that they would end up together one day-- they were from two of the most important families he knew of and honestly it was the only logical course of action... but...

Life wasn't always logical, he guessed.

Karkat, though. Karkat obviously cared about him, and in a way that Eridan could care about him too. They were already best friends, at least as close as him and Feferi, and... well, this had happened. There was no reason not to go for it.

"I'll be your boyfriend." Saying it made him feel warm and good inside, though that could be afterglow. He was still hot in the face and damp around the eyes, and he still wanted to cry, but as long as he breathed deeply, he was okay.

Karkat breathed out against Eridan's neck, and then chased that breath with a few kisses. "Great," he declared. "Good."

He laughed a little bit, and Eridan could feel him smiling. "Maybe we can do this more often. Hang out together in person, I mean. We don't have to fuck every time. Not that we  _can't_ do that? I mean--" he stopped speaking for moment, and Eridan's brows drew down while he tried not to laugh. "I'm just going to shut up now."

A little bit of the laugh Eridan was trying to keep inside bubbled up out of him, and he spoke up. "W... we can do that. Everything. More often. I don't know how it is we don't just hang out more anyway..." Probably because he didn't like bringing his friends home for some inexplicably and greasy reason, and was never all that keen on hanging out at other people's comparatively tiny places in their rough and dangerous neighborhoods. Eridan turned his head so that he could kiss Karkat and only was able to reach his forehead. Good enough.

 

"We should probably put our clothes back on," Karkat said. He sat up, searching for and obtaining Eridan's pants and handing them over before finding his own and tugging them back on. He curled up next to Eridan again. "You're going to stay, right? You don't need to go back home until you're ready."

Eridan thought he might be able to hear his phone chiming, but he was tired. He just wanted to lay with Karkat and never move again. He tugged his pants on just in case someone walked in unexpectedly, but it was uncomfortable. The pants were tight and he was feeling kind of swampy down below. Gross. But he'd bear with the grossness just to stay close to Karkat for now. This moment would only last for however long it lasted, but those pants could be washed. "I wanna sleep w-with you. Next to you, I mean," he laughed quietly and took one of Karkat's hands in both of his. "As long as it's okay." 

Karkat nodded, tugging a blanket over them and lacing his fingers with Eridan's. "You can just hide in here all day tomorrow if you don't feel like going to school. No one usually comes in here, they probably won't even know you were here tonight."

"Sounds good..." Eridan answered, nodding back and yawning. He shifted so that he could feel Karkat's skin better against his, and let his eyes slip shut. "Goin' to school sounds like shit anyhow." Staying with Karkat, someone who liked him-- maybe even _loved_  him, and wanted him to be okay was extremely preferable to getting back home and having to put up with his garbage brother, or going to school and being treated like shit for the way he dressed and called by a name he wished he could forget.

It was remarkably easy for Eridan to fall asleep here. He felt safe and content, and while his dreams were less than the best, he did sleep restfully. Boyfriends. They were boyfriends now, and between him and Karkat, this was so going to be a romance the likes of which they'd write about in history text books-- the kind of thing they named constellations for and told stories about, he was sure of it.

They were going to be so happy.


End file.
